Dan J. Brennan

Inappropriate Relationships and Evangelical Therapists Pt. 3

So what would have happened had Scot McKnight asked how his blog readers would have felt had their married adult daughter come to her parents to say, “I’ve been going to a therapist. He’s been helping me work through some issues.”

Would any of them raised issues about emotional boundaries? Would anybody have expressed deep concerns about the daughter meeting alone weekly with another man who is not her husband?  Would Scot have warned about the emotional boundaries and safeguards of “exclusivism” in marriage?

Let’s hit the rewind button for a second. Scot McKnight, a friend, a theologian, one of evangelicalism’s most prolific and respected bloggers graciously introduced my book to his readers when it first came out. I am grateful for Scot’s generosity even though we have differences on male-female friendship, oneness, and marriage.

“Inappropriate Relationships and Evangelical Therapists” provides an opportunity to revisit those differences. You can read parts one and two here to catch up.

Within this series, I am highlighting some significant aspects of an expanding conversation among evangelicals. There are several things to explore with this series: ambiguities, contradictions among evangelicals about emotional depth and fidelity, two-tiered elite/lay system, the “unholy trinity,” and redemptive oneness in marriage and friendship.

Let’s start where Scot and I agree.

Inappropriate Relationships and Evangelical Therapists Pt. 1.

First, let me begin by stating that I have great respect and admiration for evangelical therapists. This is not intended to be a critique against those therapists who welcome clients of the opposite sex. I definitely support that practice.

What I wish to explore are several themes currently embraced by a number of evangelicals and their fear of intimate cross-gender friendships. In particular, where do evangelical therapists stand on issues such as inappropriate relationships, emotional adultery, emotional intimacy, sexual attraction, emotional fidelity, and talking about intimate matters of the heart with no one else present? 

There are evangelicals who are critical of professional therapy as a matter of general principle, and they would not be the focus of my exploration. That’s another post, another time.

2010: A Look Back into the Sacred Unions Sacred Passions Journey

Looking back on 2010: it was a wild ride that started with the publishing of Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions. It was quite an experience in publishing a provocative, rather controversial book. In January, the process of publishing appeared almost over (it would be in February). The first month in 2010 was filled with intensity for various reasons. If I could choose, I would not like to experience another month like I did in January for a looooong time. What was going to make the book unique was my intention to embrace the virtue of friendships between men and women--including close passionate friendships.  One can be "progressive" in their ecclesiology (you know, the postmodern "communal" emphasis trend) and hold to romantic-sexual fundamentalism (think Billy Graham being unwilling to ride alone in a car with another woman). The fear of any sexual scripts beyond the Ozzie and Harriet, the 1950's suburban, romantic idealized couple in many Christian communities is pretty strong. Sexual politics of fear, control, forced submission, blanket rules, oppression, either-or's,--these are well known dynamics in the Christian community when it comes to male-female sexuality. They are alive and well.  

Sexual Authenticity: An Intimate Reflection on Homosexuality and Catholicism Pt. 1

 

Okay, here I go. Can I be honest with you? I've been reluctant to plunge into the subject of the GLBT community for several reasons:

1. The enormous heat present among Christians. It's an issue with intense emotion on both sides. The minefield of language, rhetoric, arguments, debates, makes it exceedingly difficult to simply carry on a conversation. 

2. I did not want to draw attention away from the issue in my current book, Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions. The gay issue clearly is drawing much more interest and energy in our culture than the complex issue of intimate male-female friendships. I think cross-gender friendships are an important issue though.

3. I have good friends on both sides. I don't want to lose any of them. I have conservative friends who support SUSP and "progressive" friends who support same-sex mariage who also support SUSP.

I've already stated in a previous post that I believe that I believe marriage between a man and woman is an expression of authentic sexuality. I believe that male-female bodies matter when it comes to authentic sexuality. Male-female married sex means something. I don't believe that same-sex marriage means the same thing as male-female marriage. But, before I lose my friends on the other side (if there is any from the other side reading this), I ask for your patience and read on. I don't fit into Dave Fitch's three categories.

Andrew Marin, Friendship, and the GLBT Community

There are some powerful conversion stories emerging out of the conversation in  Christian communities and GLBT communities.  Sara Miles' powerful story in Take This Bread does not fit into any neat traditional categories of sexuality and conversion. Well, it would have if she became straight. But she hasn't. On the other hand, there is, just as powerful, the journey of Melinda Selmys who leaves her lesbian lover of seven years to embrace the Roman Catholic faith (Sexual Authenticity: An Intimate Reflection on Homosexuality and the Catholic Church).

I am still mulling over Andrew Marin's book, Love is an Orientation. It is so challenging and refreshing in the midst of debates and heated rhetoric on both sides.  I believe sexuality and Christian friendship is going to be an ongoing conversation in the 21st century. Longtime readers of my blog will know my passion for close, intimate, flourishing male-female friendships. I also believe Christian friendship and the GLBT community will be an ongoing conversation.

The Double Bind: Transparency/Secrecy

Close cross-sex friendships may discover the double bind of transparency and secrecy--especially in some evangelical communities.  Whenever these cultural binds take place, social complexity or relational depth is challenged.  Double binds always attempt to force the relationship into false dichotomies.  Either this or that, but one can't be in the deep middle between the either/or. 

For male-female friendships, one often hears about the need to practice the friendship out in the open.  This popular counsel is especially helpful for those who are married.  On the other hand, if the friends intentionally practice transparency within their community they risk facing social disapproval and suspicion--and a backlash if they don't conform to powerful stereotypes in the evangelical community.   The backlash reinforces the pressure to conform to current evangelical fashions defining morality (the Colorado Springs variety, maybe).  The fact of the matter is that healthy, good, flourishing, intimate male-female friendships are counterstereotypical: they challenge many deeply-held prescriptive stereotypes that some Christians embrace concerning men, women, gender, faith, friendship, community, and social order.  

Is there hope for progress?

Cross-Sex Friendship Quote of the Week

I love this quote.  This is from an ordained monk, Guibert of Gembloux and his friendship with Hildegard of Bingen.  Although ordained, he opened his life, ministry, and heart to her.  Also, his language reveals an intimate bonding that was nonromantic but yet deeply passionate.  At many layers, this friendship goes beyond the shallow When Harry Met Sally dialogue, beyond simplistic gender roles, beyond sex-segregation.

"I live with her in the beauty of peace and of all delight and sweetness, I am directed by her counsels, supported by her prayers. I press forward by her merits, I am upheld by her kindnesses and daily I enjoy conversation with her."

Guibert of Gembloux regarding Hildegard of Bingen

Thought for the Day

Sexuality invites us to a spirit of mutuality and equality encompassing the complex bonds of marriage and friendship.

I like that. 

Singled Out: Singles, Friendship, and Marriage Pt. 8

So, one of the reasons why I like this book so much is that the authors take a serious look at celibacy and friendship.  In order to do this, they were forced to do the same thing I had to do when I began researching spiritual friendship between the sexes: they had to go outside the Protestant tradition for any kind of serious treatment of friendship. 

Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church

The Sexualized Child

While I was aware of the rampant sexualization in our pop culture and advertising, I was not privy to the sexualization of children until I came across two books: So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Child by Diane Levin and Jean Kilbourne and The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It by M. Gigi Durham. 

Both books were real eye-openers to me.