Dan J. Brennan

Inappropriate Relationships and Evangelical Therapists Pt. 1.

First, let me begin by stating that I have great respect and admiration for evangelical therapists. This is not intended to be a critique against those therapists who welcome clients of the opposite sex. I definitely support that practice.

What I wish to explore are several themes currently embraced by a number of evangelicals and their fear of intimate cross-gender friendships. In particular, where do evangelical therapists stand on issues such as inappropriate relationships, emotional adultery, emotional intimacy, sexual attraction, emotional fidelity, and talking about intimate matters of the heart with no one else present? 

There are evangelicals who are critical of professional therapy as a matter of general principle, and they would not be the focus of my exploration. That’s another post, another time.

The Double Bind: Transparency/Secrecy

Close cross-sex friendships may discover the double bind of transparency and secrecy--especially in some evangelical communities.  Whenever these cultural binds take place, social complexity or relational depth is challenged.  Double binds always attempt to force the relationship into false dichotomies.  Either this or that, but one can't be in the deep middle between the either/or. 

For male-female friendships, one often hears about the need to practice the friendship out in the open.  This popular counsel is especially helpful for those who are married.  On the other hand, if the friends intentionally practice transparency within their community they risk facing social disapproval and suspicion--and a backlash if they don't conform to powerful stereotypes in the evangelical community.   The backlash reinforces the pressure to conform to current evangelical fashions defining morality (the Colorado Springs variety, maybe).  The fact of the matter is that healthy, good, flourishing, intimate male-female friendships are counterstereotypical: they challenge many deeply-held prescriptive stereotypes that some Christians embrace concerning men, women, gender, faith, friendship, community, and social order.  

Is there hope for progress?

Christians, Lust, & Authentic Sexuality

One of the best quotes from this chapter is towards the end of their chapter on "Lust & Avoidance: Dangerous Messages about Sexual Temptation."  Colon and Field write, "This idea that sexuality is just sexual intercourse is a common misperception that often leaves singles wondering how they can be sexual without having sex." 

This chapter is centered around three dangerous messages about sexual temptation running rampant among evangelicals:

Singled Out: The Narrative of Sex and Repression in Pop Culture

I believe this is a valuable book for conversation not just for singles but for married Christians as well.  The issues here so overlap with cross-gender friendship in the Christian community.  This is not just a book for those who are single. 

Christine Colon and Bonnie Field assume that all unmarried Christians should practice celibacy.  "This is not to say that all single Christians should experience an undeniable 'call' from God or that they should make a life-long commitment to a living single, celibate life.  It does not even mean that we believe that single Christians should not date or desire marriage.  It simply means that Christians should abstain from sexual relationships for as long as they are single, whether that is for a short period of time of for their entire lives.  We use the term 'celibacy' rather than 'abstinence' because the focus on abstinence tends to be on waiting for a future marriage.  The type of celibacy we propose is focused on our relationship with God rather than a future marital relationship."

Chapter One: Repression & Neuroses: Negative Secular Views of Celibacy

Singled Out: Singleness, Friendship, and Marriage

Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must be Reinvented in Today's Church is a book I want to spend some time exploring here.   For a while now, I have been wanting to do a series on singleness, friendship, and marriage and this book is a great place to jump off.  

 

My thinking about singles in the evangelical sub-culture began to change significantly when 1) I started doing serious research on spiritual friendship and in particular, friendship between the sexes a few years ago and 2) I formed an intimate friendship with a single woman.  Number one (same-sex or cross-sex) has almost been totally ignored by evangelicals in their eccelesiology, discipleship, and spiritual formation.   As Eugene Peterson has commented, "Friendship is a much underestimated aspect of spirituality" and this is especially true in Protestant and evangelical spirituality.   

I think this underdeveloped, undervalued, underestimated spirituality of friendship in evangelical spirituality has contributed to the married versus single dichotomy in the contemporary Church life.  After several years of researching spiritual friendship, I don't believe these are unrelated facts:  while there have been endless books on marriage and family, the number of books on either singleness or friendship in the evangelical community are incredibly few in comparison.  I don't think that's a publishing "coincidence."  Yet, nearly almost half of the adult population in the evangelical world is unmarried and the number continues to grow. 

Love and Social Sexuality

Marva Dawn makes a distinction in her writings between genital sexuality and what she calls social sexuality.  Social sexuality refers to how men and women relate to each other ("not as partners in intercourse").  She observes that partly because of society's mad rush to meet deeper emotional needs by the frantic abuse of genital sexuality, there is much confusion between genital sexuality and social sexuality.  In her book, The Sense of the Call she notes the "New Testament language is lavish with words for love that help us build and revel in strong relationships of social sexuality with other members of our churches or other communities."  She calls us to "Imagine both the delight and the strength for carefully disciplinng eros if we develop rich bonds of affection and chaste intimacy with all the following kinds of love.  What is interesting is that all of these words may apply to growing, flourishing, deep cross-gender friendships--as Dawn points out herself

Redeeming Sexuality: An Alternative to Pornography

Perhaps my second book should be something along the above title and subject.  I am sure many women would say I well, yes, that part of redeeming sexuality would mean that men would not, in their vulnerability but nevertheless masculine impulses, seek out false intimacy when want they need  and are made for is authentic closeness with the other sex.  Its no secret (although it is a secret activity) that many men struggle with pornography--including men who want to be faithful to their spouses.  The most popular approach even in the church, is to counter pornography through fear, rules and behavior modification.  An interesting thing happened to me and pornography a few years ago.

The Beauty of Trust in Community

One of the arguments I make in my book is that we really have think a little deeper than the little boxes we have put people in when it comes to men and women who are friends spending time alone--together--with no one else around, zero, nada.  I don't think the rules of desert fathers, nor the rules of Billy Graham should be thought of as eternal rules of wisdom applicable as wise and good in all contexts, communities, and friendships.   There should be more options on the table than not meeting alone because of fear/suspicion or conformity to certain codes to prevent gossip.    You'll have to read how I argue for that in my book when it gets published.

Authentic Grace for Wounded Hearts

This is a post about authentic Christian friendship.  But before you anticipate where I am going to go on this, I might surprise you. 

The Social Psychology of Gender

The Social Psychology of Gender: How Power and Intimacy Shape Gender Relations by Laurie Rudman and Peter Glick is a secular textbook that I want to blog on this next week

 

Alice Eagly from Northwestern University says this book is, "The best text I've seen to date on how gender influences social interaction."