Gender stereotypes and straitjackets. They are embedded cultural blocks to friendship intimacy in modern America and in our faith communities. William Pollack, a Harvard psychologist calls it a "gender straitjacket" when boys are socialized to either a false view of masculinity or a very narrow masculinity. In one article, he states, "We are scared to death if a boy moves out of that, he won't grow up to be a real healthy man."
Gendered stereotypes blocking friendship are notions like emotionally intimate, vulnerable friendships are for girls/women or gay men. In evangelical communities where romantic relationships are on a pedestal and friendships are inferior, gendered stereotypes and straitjackets are common.
Deep, intimate, passionate friendships are romantic relationships or in some circles, tolerated in female friendships. According to gendered stereotypes, women are wired for face-to-face friendships while men are wired for "side-by-side." Keeping in accordance with gendered stereotyped scripts, evangelical women are encouraged to act "masculine" (as in "side-by-side," distant, calculated, and reserved) in their friendships with men who are not romantic partners or potential dates.
In her groundbreaking book, Deep Secrets: Boy's Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, professor of applied psychology, Niobe Way reveals the results of her twenty-year study on teenage boys and friendships. The secret is now out with her book: early and middle adolescent boys are a lot more like girls when it comes to intimate friendships. Way gives us eyes to see intimate, vulnerable, intense, even passionate friendships among teenage boys.
1. From a social science perspective Way highlights and reviews the social significance of intimate friendships beyond the modern American popular culture.
She points out that honeymoons in the nineteenth century consisted of bringing one's best friends and family along the trip. She mentions other cultures where intimate same-sex friendships are the norm. In southern Ghana, same-sex friends go through a public ceremony similar to that of marriage. In many Middle Eastern countries, men hold hands while walking together and depend upon each other for emotional support. In one North American tribe, the Lakotas, the notion of an intimate best friend is more important than one's spouse.
Way observes its only in contemporary American masculinity that close affection and emotional depth are connected with sex as in women or sexual orientation (gay affection and passionate friendships).
2. Way in following Clifford Geertz's construct of "thin and thick interpretations" explores why boys in their late adolescence do not sustain intimate friendships.
Early on in the book she analyzes the difference between thin interpretations and a thick interpretation of why late teenage boys and men end up in gendered friendship patterns. I think for Christians (men and women) who don't want to advocate a "static" or a "thin" view of femininity and masculinity, the first place of not conforming to the world is to see the thick culture behind gendered friendships.
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