I just wanted to briefly introduce affective sexuality. I think perhaps relational sexuality sounds better but for now I will introduce you to affective sexuality. If you google the phrase, you're not going to come up with many instances. I have never heard of affective sexuality until I came across it in my research for SUSP.
I intend to bring out the deep connection between affective sexuality and chastity in my second book. There is a vibrant, robust, dynamic connection between affective sexuality and chastity. Although Ronald Rolheiser rarely mentions affective sexuality, his writings live and breath it. I've rarely seen evangelicals see the the rich connection between the two.
What is affective sexuality?
I'm drawing largely from Charles Kraft, Donald Georgen, and Vincent Genovesi. None of this is original with me although their insights utterly enriched, enlarged, and empowered my understanding and experience of affective sexuality and chastity.
Genitality (i.e. genital focus of sex or "lovemaking") is only one dimension of sexuality. In our sexualized culture, sexuality equals sex or genitality. There is though, a whole another dimension of sexuality. We could call it "social" or "relational" sexuality. Affective sexuality is an intentional, embodied form of love which seeks physical, emotional, intellectual intimacy with the other, and may include a yearning of closeness of the other with no intention towards sex. In the experience of affective sexuality, tenderness, presence, availability, delight, touch, desire, are all embodied chaste expressions of one's sexual presence engaging the other. In other words, affective sexuality is an invitation to be affectionately intimate in the relationship.
What I have found so appealing and so striking with Catholic thought here on affective sexuality, is that they believe affective sexuality can be an end in and of itself. In the words of Kraft, "affective sexuality can stand on its own as a way of relating to another person." We encourage this all the time in brother-sister relationships.
What Catholics mean by that is that it doesn't have to go down the path of sex--it is not hard wired to be a warm-up for sex. There is great confusion when people conflate affective sexuality and sex as if they cannot be separate and distinguish from one another. I would say this is part of the huge issue among evangelicals. Except for a handful of evangelicals who make a distinction (Stanley Grenz is one of them), the majority of evangelicals writing on sexuality conflate the two. This is what it means to say someone can be "sexual" without participating in sexual activity.
Genovesi notes on the other hand, "It is possible to live fully, healthfully, and happily without genital sexuality. It is not possible to do so without affective (emphasis inserted) relationships."
To practice affective sexuality then, is to practice the virtue of chastity. Chastity, according to this stream of spirituality, is not primarily negative or focusing on prohibitions. I know that's stunning for some of you since chastity is popularly held to be mere abstinence from sex. But it is much more richer, deeper, bolder, and positive. Chastity is the deliberate intention to integrate all the dimensions of sexuality. It connects sexuality and spirituality. Chastity is a virtue, a practice that deepens our capacity to be present towards another in sexuality and spirituality. This is true for everyone for singles and for married.
Chastity in sexual maturity, engages in the depth of affective sexuality corresponding to the commitment of the relationship. Chastity seeks to nurture love, authentic love expressing delight, tenderness, physical warmth and affection, etc. In this light, I hope it makes sense then, when Rolheiser observes, "Chastity has to do with experiencing. It is about the appropriateness of any experience." In this way, Rolheiser connects the dots between a robust chastity and affective sexuality: "Sexuality is as much about having friends as it is about having lovers." Rich, rich, stuff.
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