Faith Dance

The Glory and Risk of Cross-Gender Friendship Love

If you are not aware of the great conversation on the Sacred Friendships Project Blog, I encourage you to read this powerful and provocative story in "The Glory and Risk of Friendship Love." Check out the comments, and the stories in the comments.

Emotional Adultery, Robust Fidelity, and Friendship Pt 2

For those of you who know me, I think you had some idea I would approach this subject a bit differently than the circle-the-wagons fear that is served up in many churches. Yet, there is a great need to recognize that emotional affairs can bring a great sense of betrayal with all the accompanied emotional effects.

Pastorally, there is a need for deep wisdom. A wisdom that doesn't minimize the present brokenness, betrayal, abandonment, or despair on the one hand. But a wisdom that drinks in the depths of the shalom, righteousness, and the deep beauty of reconciliation between the sexes in God's Story on the other hand.  There is a great need to present a better way, a way of flourishing, deep passionate shalom in this present world of embodied sexuality in the kingdom. In the spirit of N.T. Wright's book, Surprised by Hope, we are not called to leave this world as is, to accept betrayal in marriage as something of a norm, or to passively accept high walls of fear between men and women who are not married to each other.

I want to explore the three scenarios.  

Emotional Adultery, Robust Fidelity, and Friendship

"Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?"

"I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I,____ take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

"I,____, take thee,_____, to my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth."

It's been a while since I have written on the subject of emotional adultery and robust fidelity. I continue to read all I can on the issue of emotional adultery, infidelity, fidelity, marriage and friendship. This seems like a good time to revisit the subject.

Sacred Unions and Friendship Pt 4

Is the sharing of our financial resources a romantic marker? It seems the New Testament would call this koinonia—whether in friendship, community, or marriage. Are we only limited to public vows of love in romantic relationships? The Bible and the history of nonromantic friendships suggest a place for vows outside of marriage. Is holding hands or other close physical affection an exclusive romantic marker? Again the Bible and the history of deep friendships suggest a robust spirituality of mutual lingering affection toward beloved friends. What about physical attraction? Does this have to be present only in romance? Can there be physical attraction towards the same-sex without it being lust? What about between those who are married but not to each other? Even physical beauty and awareness emerges in deep friendships.

An excerpt from my post on Sacred Unions and Friendships on Andrew Marin's blog

 

Posting on Andrew Marin's Blog: Sacred Unions Pt 1

This week, I am guest posting on Andrew Marin's blog. 

Below is Andrew's intro: 

My friend Dan Brennan recently wrote a book called Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Friendship Between Men and Women. I thought this book worthwhile for a few reasons, and foremost of those is that many of the principles and thoughts are generalizable to what it means to be in faithful relationship (non-sexual friendship) with ‘the other’. In Dan’s case he explores that between men and women, and in this blog’s context it’s between same gender persons – whether LGBT or hetero. I asked Dan to write a few posts about some of his thoughts, and thus, he will have a 5 part series on sacred unions of friendship.

Sacred Unions Sacred Passions: Treasured Comments

Some treasured comments from those who have read Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions.  

They are from men and women, scholars and pastors, Catholics and Protestants. They are not attributed because they were sent to me in private. 

"I just wanted to drop a line to personally say “thanks” for your book, and your critical thinking on the subject of cross-gender friendships...Thanks again for your ministry in this area. I’m sure you’re taking it on the chin from many corners of the Christian world because of what you claim, but then again, so did Jesus!"

 

A Single Woman and Cross-Gender Friendship

I met Susanne Osborne in a class at Trinity Evangelical Divinity Seminary in 2005. Two years ago, we began nurturing a deeper friendship. As a result, Susanne has become a close friend; her friendship with me is very special. Susanne is single. 

Single women face a great challenge in the evangelical community. Their options are either "just say no," or "true love waits."  The evangelical world has focused on the family--that is the nuclear family and romantic love. Beyond that, members of the opposite sex are viewed as threats to sexual purity. The "just say no" message goes much deeper than sexual restraint. The message is to avoid any deep, life-giving intimacy with the opposite sex for that will lead to sex. 

But does romantic love have a monopoly on all true love?  Can authentic, passionate, friendship love be true and life-giving? Susanne and I have grown really close as our friendship has developed over the past two years. We had some initial conversations about friendship when we saw our relationship forming into something deeper. Its not everyday that a single woman and a married man form a friendship bond of love in the evangelical community so we began talking about what friendship would look like between us. 

I've been deeply blessed as we have grown into a freedom to be ourselves as a man and woman in close friendship. Romantic love does not have a corner on all the wonder, mystery, and delight of love between a man and a woman. In the wonderful affirmation of love, we have been able to nurture and enjoy love, where I know she cherishes me as a friend who is a man (I'm not just a stepping stone to romantic love).  While romantic love is indeed, a precious gift from God, friendship love is too.  

Here is Susanne's story:

Interview with Kathy Escobar

Kathy Escobar, co-pastor, blogger, author,  interviewed me on cross-gender friendships:

" sexualization & fear & power issues have really kept men and women from loving each other as friends.  we perpetuate the divide by keeping men in men’s groups and women in women’s groups, by assuming that if we’re married, we can never have a close and authentic relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and through buying into the false idea that “men and women just can’t be friends.”

Jesus’ call to love is a radical call. it’s not for the fainthearted.  it’s not for those who want the easy road.  it’s not for those who are satisfied with the status quo.  love hurts.  and love heals."