Intimacy: A Real Challenge for Singles

One of the most difficult challenges for singles is intimacy--especially intimacy with the opposite sex. In romantic/sexual scripts both within popular culture and popular evangelical Christianity, intimacy is rarely highlighted as life-giving or rooted deeply unless one is in a sexual relationship (i.e. married, or a "committed relationship," or serious dating).  This sets up a huge dichotomy when it comes to single individuals and those who are married since many in the evangelical community still hold that sex outside of marriage is not virtuous. 

Yet, there is no question that authentic and real psychological, emotional, spiritual, and even physical intimacy is accessible in the flourishing dance of chastity.  Yes, there is an undeniable difference between a wide-open sexual intimacy within marriage and physical "nonsexual" (not denying the embodied sexual presence but meaning a "sexual" expression with no intention to be sexually arousing) intimacy. 

 

What I mean by intimacy here though, is not simply an ongoing expression of struggles, disappointments, hurts, etc. although that is one element of intimacy. What I mean by intimacy is a chosen vulnerability, a capacity that is open to being affected by the other as well as to affect the other. A fully engaged intimacy is not merely expressing our ideas, dreams, and emotions, but an authentic openness to enter into an ongoing communion with the other. This chosen willingness to be affected by the other in relationship is the challenge of dance and movement in relationship; it is a challenge for singles and married alike. It is a spontaneous and planned vulnerability.

Are you willing to have your beauty drawn out by another? Are you willing to see the beauty in another? To be open to another's beauty is life-transforming.

Romantic intimacy does not have exclusive rights for the capacity to see the beauty of someone else. Yes, a romantic/sexual spark opens the door and accelerates (and often accentuates) the relational attentiveness toward another's beauty, but that is not an exclusive "seeing" for romantic dynamics or chemistry. 

What that romantic spark does with great energy is to intensify and encourage the relational skill of noticing and attending to another's beauty. "What does she/he see in them?" is a question we sometimes ask of someone in a dating relationship where we don't "see" what they see. It's not because they have an entirely different set of "eyes" than we do and therefore they have this ability that we don't.

So, I would like to say that beauty begets beauty in authentic and deep intimacy and this is possible, accessible, and concrete for singles.

What's even more hopeful and life-giving for singles is that this intimacy can be deeply rooted in one's story and one's future. In other words, intimacy with another does not have to be like a short-term missions project that ends in 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years, or 16 years. Even in the course of dating, or if the single gets married, the intimacy doesn't have to end--it can honor the sacredness of the new couple's identity in marriage.  I think there needs to be a sexual ethics on friendship and dating (honoring one's previous friendships/community is itself a practice of Christian virtue). This would require navigating, communication, and cooperation but it still could be done.

1. Intimacy, then is about choosing to allow an individual to become one of the centers of your life. In other words, you grow into the dance of choosing to be vulnerable, choosing to dance with the other, and share your life with them. For example, if you receive news (good or bad) throughout the day, you desire to call (or text, or email) that individual with the news.

2. You grow in the virtue of seeing the beauty of the other, and attending to the beauty of the other--become other directed. Love (not just romantic love) has a way of "discovering" beauty in the other including physical features you may have "missed" before.  But I am definitely referring here to much more than physical beauty.

3.  Someone with whom, you can relax your heart as a regular, ongoing, practice. This doesn't mean you have to share your heart exhaustively but an essential aspect of intimacy is to open your heart up and rest in the trusted presence of another who will hold your great and deep treasure. 

4.  Physical closeness. In our culture, touch is definitely a sexually loaded and layered meaning. I was reading a book on contemporary female friendships and the author related a story that two female friends had to work through. One friend had a desire to hold hands but was afraid this would be construed as some sort of "sexual" impulse towards another. The author commented that she herself desires a little bit longer physical affection, hugs, embraces, etc. with her friends who are closer to her.

Through trust, communication, etc. singles can open themselves up to the beauty of physical intimacy--an intimacy that attends to the beauty of other and is open to being affected by the physical touch of the beauty of the other.

Comments

[Beth]

Once again dan...wow.

[Dan Brennan]

Thanks for reading, Beth.

[English Translator]

a very inspiring piece for those who prefer to take the path of single blessedness,

[molly]

WOW.
Dan... YOU ROCK.
Your (single--lol) friend Molly from Alaska

[Dan Brennan]

Thank you, Molly, great to hear from you. You continue to be in my prayers.

[Sean]

Nice topic, Dan. Contemporary topic. Intimacy is especially hard to find in our evangelical circles where chastity means mere avoidance of sex. Intimacy requires sensuality -- sensuality involves touch, like you say. Sensuality makes us anxious, doesn't it? Let's work on that.

[D. L. Webster]

You've inspired me to write my own take on this subject: http://gzmproductions.com/dlwebster/index.php?page=post&post=2297

[Paul Meeter]

This is crucial whether one is married or single. Thank you for four very well expressed pointers on the map to the "Jesus Way" of cross-gender friendships.

[Dan Brennan]

Thanks Paul! I look forward to hearing from you.