The next challenges for singles in cgfs are an overdependence on marriage itself to "fix" them, or to bring them deep happiness and meaning in life. This can be exacerbated by secular romanticism. I will look at these two together since they are related. It is good and beautiful to desire marriage. It is an extraordinary gift from God and a common human experience. Part of the pain for singles who remain unmarried but not by choice is seeing their single friends marry.
Because it is so common and such a blessed gift from God, the overwhelming majority of singles expect to be married. Indeed, much of the evangelical community expects singles to get hitched and there are strong messages to contend with the longer one remains single.
I want to make several points in this note, but first let me emphasize that I am all for romantic love and marriage. I think they are good gifts from God. I am all for romantic love continuing in the special friendship of marriage for as long as the couple live. But I think Christians need to engage secular romanticism. Romantic love in Christian sexuality and spirituality ought not to be identical as romantic love in secular romanticism.
1. Cultural romantic scripts tend to be gendered. Gender stereotypes abound in romantic scripts. This certainly contributes to the way women feel about themselves and their bodies. Everyone knows how much physical attractiveness is embedded in these scripts. For women, this means a heavy preoccupation with the body so much some women suffer from eating disorders.
Also in more traditional scripts, women are expected to be passive while men are to take the initiative. In these scripts many gifted women have no other aspirations other than to get married. Women are expected to devote themselves to others rather than aspire to culitivate their giftsand strengths in the public square (and at church).
2. Closely related to contemporary Western romantic scripts is consumerism. This powerfully shapes our sexual selves and our views of friendship with the opposite sex (and even same-sex). Consumerism conditions us to see people as products and easily abandoned them when something new comes along, something more attractive, something more fulfilling, and so on. Enduring, lifelong friendships (yes, even the special friendship of marriage) are undermined by a strong consumerist culture which teaches us to not be content with the good gifts God has generously given us.
3. The romantic culture is a muti-billion dollar industry--and it has also shaped us to believe in certain symbols, practices, affection, etc. are for romantic couples. Follow the money. As Christians living in the Western world many of us assign romantic meaning and energy to practices, symbols, and affection which are more grounded in secular consumerism than to genuine love and affection in relationships (nonromantic or romantic).
As others have pointed out, this has powerful effects on marriage but it also deeply affects men and women in cross-gender friendships. The romantic culture romanticizes (and therefore also sexualizes) communion, union, intimacy, closeness, affection, etc.
This means that for some who are waiting for marriage, they are unable to receive some acts of love, gestures, touch, etc. as meaningful, or even deeply meaningful unless it comes within a romantic setting, relationship, or a romantic potential. Those who are so looking for marriage to fix them or bring them happiness have struggles with accepting the good gifts God has given them in their present lives.
For single women, they are waiting for prince charming to rescue them and bring them happiness. And for some they continue to wait. And wait.
Or for single men, the only reason why they would get close to a woman is if she is dating material. If for whatever reason the woman would like to keep it a friendship, the man disappears.
Or for single men and women who are so into the romantic script they cannot enter any deep, mutual, life-giving, delightful cgf with the opposite sex.
Secular romanticism holds a huge monopoly over deep personal love, communion and friendship. It holds sway as a powerful script in many faith communities. Follow the money (or Hollywood).
I believe faith communities wouldn't go wrong in offering singles and married the opportunities to discuss sexuality, friendship, and love. We should be critiquing secular romanticism--not doing away with romantic love--but encouraging singles as well as married the richness and depth of love in friendship beyond starry-eyed romanticism.
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