This brand new book is an important groundbreaking study on male friendship in the colonial and revoluntionary periods in America. It is an important book on the breadth and depth of sexuality and friendship. There have been a number of books recognizing the passionate depth of same-sex friendships among women in recent years. This book unearths for us the depth of passionate, tender, friendships between men during America's infancy.
The Overflowing of Friendship: Love Between Men and the Creation of the American Republic by Richard Goodbeer.
John Winthrop Jr. (son of the well known Puritan John Winthrop) had several close friendships with men. One of them writes to him, "I long for your company as much as the teeming earth for the rising sun...Oh how my heart is with you." He assured John that he loved him with a "dear heart" and loved him "as mine own soul." In one letter he declared to John, "Oh that I were to die in your bosom."
Another one of John's friends describes him as "the joy of my life," and the "best and most desired friend." He tells John that John "kindled" in him "such a true fire of love." He assures John that the "great Western Ocean" could not "quench" his love for John.
When Thomas Wait had to endure the absence of his friend, George Thatcher he lamented that pen and paper were "vile interpreters of the language one's heart." He writes, "As to my friendship, you must know, my dear G.T. Esq. and if you don't God Almighty does, that I love you more fervently than did Prince Jonathan the little riddy Captain David." He continues, "to say what I have often said--I love you very much." He signs his letter with, "yours for ever--and--ever and ever." Thomas was having physical heart problems and in one letter, he writes, "this heart of mine, however feeble and however soon soever it may cease to move, its last pulsations shall vibrate for you."
In another example of deep friendship love, a friend writes, "I have frequently thought of you by day and dreamt about you by night." He writes of his response in reading his friend's letter, "with raptures which I shall not attempt to describe--so full was it of affection, love, benevolence, friendship, and zeal...You know not how necessary your presence is to [my] happiness." He ends, "Goodnight, my dear Walter--Love me always and believe me to be affectionately and unalterably your friend."
In writing a book on the depth of male friendship love and the deep emotional bond and commitment men had towards each other, Goodbeer of course, has to immediately address the issue of sexuality and deep friendship. No one on this side of Freud can overlook the immediate issue where we have so sexualized friendship, emotion, desire in our culture. The immediate challenge I face with some Christians (thank God not all!) in advocating deep transmarital opposite sex friendships is their assumptions that deep desire, emotion, and passion for another are eroticized--even in friendship.
Goodbeer spends a significant time highlighting how Christian spirituality shaped this passionate love between men: "For a man to love a male figure such as Christ and to express that love in language that was intensely passionate and romantic would not have struck colonists as problematic. Indeed, early Americans welcomed and respected love between men on earth as well as in the spiritual realm, just so long as it was nonsexual. Declarations of love by one man to another would not automatically have suggested to relatives or neighbors that sexual relations might be taking place....Acceptable expressions of love between men included not only words, either written or spoken, but also physical affection....Male friends often referred to the pleasure that they took in touching and holding another; they delighted in the proximity of each other's bodies."
Without naming it as incarnational spirituality, Goodbeer notes, "The Anglo-Amercian men about whom I am writing clearly perceived the body as an appropriate medium for the expression of love....early Americans did not assume that physical affection necessarily expressed a desire for sexual intimacy."
A few important observations about this book:
1. This book honors the deep, rich, emotional depth in men and between men in friendship. Goodbeer's work challenges any narrow or stereotypical views we may have of men and their emotional capacities in friendship. These men thought that deep emotional and physical connection were foundational in friendship and to society.
2. This book provides for us an account for how Christian spirituality/sexuality may shape deep social attachments and bonding. Men were encouraged by their wives, biological families and society to pursue such emotional commitment and depth in their friendships. Ponder my quotes above--in light of the fact that all the passionate expressions were made by married men.
This fact does challenge us to reconsider how contemporary Christians view emotional depth in friendship (either same sex or cross-sex) as a threat to their "one flesh" vows and fidelity.
How much have we Christians accomodated to sexualization in our culture? How much have we unintentionally contributed to our sexualized culture by linking emotional/relational depth with extrabiblical assumptions to "one flesh?"
On this side of Freud, we can no longer speak of emotional intensity/commitment in friendships (cross-sex or same sex) without seriously considering how we have so narrowly constructed sexuality in our sermons, how-to books, conferences, etc. Have we given into our culture by promoting and advocating narrow cultural conceptions of "emotional purity?" Are we contributing to the fragmentation and sexualization of our culture (and Christian community) by ignoring rich and complex historical accounts of philia, agape, and even broader accounts of eros??
Think of how we contemporary Christians have so romanticized and/or eroticized into the modern schema of "one flesh" the language like, "yours for ever--and--ever and ever." How many of us feel, believe, with a God-anointed conviction that emotional commitment is uniquely reserved for marriage?
Goodbeer writes, "early Americans took it for granted that loving relationships between men--and also between women--could coexist with heartfelt love for a person of the opposite sex."
3. This book revives fresh hope for the future that the depth of our immediate relationships including emotional intensity (i.e, marriage and friendships) nurtures qualities for transforming culture and society as a whole.
These Americans didn't believe that friendships were isolated from the larger public context. They believed that immediate, deep, and close friendships shaped public discourse and behavior. Friendships were personal, private, deeply affectionate in words and physical expression, yet had a much broader social significance.
In other words, passionate friendships are not apolitical.
I am encouraged to see that you are beginning to address intensity in same sex friendships. I read somewhere about the development of children, that the development of same sex friendships prepares us for cross gender friendships which may ultimately result in marriage. And that the failure to do so makes for challenges to have successful cgfs/marriages. I agree with the author, that to have close same sex friendships in this hyper-sexualized culture is very difficult. In many ways the conflict that we are having as adults between adults about sexuality comes out in crass, insulting, cliquish, and sometimes abusive ways with our children. It breaks my heart to hear how children hurt their peers over issues and with issues they can barely understand.
Posted by: Maria Kirby | October 11, 2009 at 08:49 PM
Great to hear about. It all makes perfect sense. I mean, if a person could have intense feelings of affection toward a beloved pet, it makes so much more sense that he or she could have intense feelings toward a cherished friend. This is basically what people who practice homosexuality are seeking, but they're going about it the wrong way. In fact, the breakdown of healthy friendships between men is a primary factor behind the problems with homosexuality today. Most men are afraid to be close friends with other guys. It's really sad.
Oh, and let's not forget--David said Jonathan's love was even better than the love of women! Pretty heady stuff. :) If David were around today, most people would probably label him gay. :(
Posted by: Alex | October 13, 2009 at 01:45 PM