Singled Out: Singleness, Friendship, and Marriage Pt. 6

 

This is the sixth post in a review of the new book: Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented by The Church.

In their chapter on "Happiness and Maturity" Colon and Field identify four messages firmly embedded in evangelical ecclesiology:

1. Great marital sex is the reward for being chaste.

2.  Sex is sacred and necessary for spiritual maturity.

3.  You have the right to be happy, and you must be married in order to be happy.

4.  Marriage is God's primary institution on earth.

1. Great marital sex is the reward for being chaste.

According to Field and Colon there is this assumption that if singles are really good (i.e. chaste) God will reward singles with a great marriage and great sex.  One evangelical author speaks of the "sexual payoff" and "the physically gratifying payoff that comes from obedience to God's sexual standards." 

Another author writes, God, "wanted me to trust Him enough to bring that special man to me in His perfect time.  Guess what?  In His perfect time, that's exactly what He did." 

Colon and Field: "What does it say about our theology if a romantic marriage and mind-blowing sex are seemingly the supreme evidence of God's favor?"

 2.  Sex is sacred and necessary for spiritual maturity.

"Not only is spiritual maturity often seen as a prerequisite and guarantor of marriage, but it is also often seen as developing even more intensely through marriage and sex.  Many books that provide a positive Christian understanding of sex focus on its sacredness and its connection to spirituality." 

They quote author Gary Thomas, a frequent contributor to Christianity Today, "marriage is the preferred route to becoming more like [Christ]." 

Evangelical authors sell sex within marriage so much--in part because of the negative history in the Church--like "creating a family is the closest we get to sharing the image of God." 

Colon and Field: When marriage is seen as our primary goal and the solution to all our problems an, and when sex is equated with experiencing the divine, is it any wonder so many people in the church are dissatisfied with their marriages?"   And, "Christians complain about the world's obsession with sex, but it seems like some churches have given in to that obsession." 

They add: "Such messages that glorify sex certainly suggest that singles cannot know God as well as those who are married because we are not experiencing the shekinah glory in the marital bed and we are not sharing the image of God in procreation."

3.  You have the right to be happy, and you must be married in order to be happy.

They quote James Dobson: "Research consistently shows that hetereosexual married adults do better in virtually every measure of emotional and physical health than people who are divorced or never married."  Colon and Field: "From Dobson's perspective, singles are doomed to live unhealthy, unhappy lives." 

They survey the pop books that devote much energy on "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."  They suggest that the evangelical community is "ignoring a deeper issue as we focus so intently on God fulfilling our desires for love, sex, and companionship." They suggest, "If we are truly delighting ourselves in the Lord, he, not a potential mate, will be the desire of our hearts."

4.  Marriage is God's primary institution on earth.

This message is almost a given in the contemporary evangelical landscape.  As Colon and Field point out, "Without a spouse and children, single adults have an intense need for community, and the reality is that many churches have difficulty providing a nurturing community for them." 

Single readers--what is your response to these four messages.  Do you find Colon and Field are accurate in identifying these as "dangerous" messages?  For readers who are married, what do you think?

 

Comments

[D.L. Webster]

1. "Great marital sex is the reward for being chaste."
Yes, I think this is a setup for disappointment. Our culture holds up sex as the pinnacle experience in life. We will be disappointed when we find out that it is not the all fulfilling thing it is made out to be, but rather is a more "normal" part of life. There are certainly benefits and reasons to be chaste. Yet I find saying that God is rewarding someone--in any context--to be disconcerting, because the question that logically follows is, "Is God not pleased with another person who doesn't receive this 'reward'?" Another problem is in making good sex in marriage the reason for being chaste. What happens if you plan to be single, and/or are single long term and don't believe that you'll get married? Is there a reason to be chaste then? I say yes, but that's a logical question if looked at in this way.

2. "Sex is sacred and necessary for spiritual maturity."
The message I've heard is that marriage, not sex, teaches spiritual truths about God's love, and can bring into focus areas for improvement. But we can't say that sex or marriage are necessary for spiritual maturity. Um, Jesus?

3. "You have the right to be happy, and you must be married in order to be happy."
I don't know if we can say that any of us has the right to be happy, even if we are all striving for it. I do wonder if I wouldn't be happier married though. However I think the real key isn't in being married, but in having a certain type of relationship. Just being married to anyone wouldn't necessarily make me happier. I long for a deep friendship and connection with someone. Could that possibly even come outside of marriage?

4. "Marriage is God's primary institution on earth."
I sincerely disagree. The church is God's primary institution in the world. This is vitally important to recognize.

[Maria Kirby]

1. "Great marital sex is the reward for being chaste."
If a person is not chaste before marriage then (s)he carries baggage into the relationship that will have to be dealt with. I don't think that the absence of premarital sex guarantees a future of great marital sex though. Sex is way too complicated for that kind of simplistic outlook.

2. "Sex is sacred and necessary for spiritual maturity."
In my opinion, sex is sacred, marriage is sacred, and eating is sacred. I believe that there are spiritual truths that can best be understood through marriage and sex. The same could be said about gardening. But I believe that a person can become spiritually mature without being a gardener or being married.

3. "You have the right to be happy, and you must be married in order to be happy."
Marriage is not a prerequisite for being happy. If you try and make it so, you will be unhappy married or not.

4. "Marriage is God's primary institution on earth."
If by primary, one means first, then I would agree with the statement that the first relationship God instituted among people was marriage. I think it is important to realize that the relationship the church has to God is that of marriage. To be married, is to live into that symbolism. When we are celibate we live into the relationship Christ had with the world. Neither is more important than the other.