When I started to write a book on cross-gender friendship, I knew one of the things I had to do was attempt to deconstruct the romantic idealism usually embedded in the evangelical language and practice of "one flesh." Colon and Field in their new book, Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church observe that we often "find ourselves confrontedly repeatedly with the messages that affirm the value of marriage over almost everything else."
They write, "One of the first steps to helping us see the positive view of celibacy in scripture is refusing to over-romanticize verses on marriage, taking them out of their own biblical and cultural context to provide models for our own romance obsessed culture."
For many evangelical men and women, romantic idealism and one flesh are wedded together as identical with God's will for for all male-female relationality in our present culture and age. In romantic idealism, oneness and sexuality are the same. For singles, this reductionistic view of oneness and sexuality leaves them with uninspiring, passionless friendships (for oneness and sexuality can only really be deeply experienced within the "one flesh" pairing) and desperately longing for the beauty, goodness, order, communion, and union in marriage. It seems many evangelical community are in step with pop culture portraying passion, intensity, and intimacy within sex and romantic coupling. The spirituality of love and friendship in the Bible and tradition does not give such a stark contrast between passion in marriage and passionless friendship. While we must affirm that God honors the marriage bed, he doesn't confine all relational beauty, order, goodness, delight, passion, intensity, and union within the boundaries of marital love.
"While we must affirm that God honors the marriage bed, he doesn't confine all relational beauty, order, goodness, delight, passion, intensity, and union within the boundaries of marital love."
I couldn't agree more!! All the relationships/friendships in my life - that are outside my beautiful, faithful marriage bond - in no way threaten the marriage! Some are enjoyed by both of us - some just by one or the other.
The inseparable emotional bond of relationship with my biological family members and our own children, the emotional intensity and bond of friendship with several wonderful colleagues with whom I also shared and survived a miserable work crisis, the delight of differing emotional bonds with all my grandchildren, the memories of intense emotional and spiritual bonds with godly brothers and sisters in Christ who have passed into the presence of the Lord and the ongoing building of precious emotional bonds with old and new friends - of both genders - are all covered in the Scripture verse that says we are to love one another! Romantic love and physical union has not entered into any one of them. And none of these relationships are held in secret but are blessed with a mutual trust and honor. God is good for it is He who made us for relationship - with Him and with others.
Posted by: karin | June 29, 2009 at 11:31 AM