10 Red Flags of an Emotional Affair

In Beliefnet, you will find 10 red flags for an emotional affair.  I will pass these on with no comment in this post about them:

1.  You think or say, "We're just friends."

2.  You daydream about him or her.

3.  You look forward to seeing him or her.

4.  You want to tell them news first.

5.  You share intimate emotions.

6.  You share intimate problems.

7.  You believe he or she understands you more than your spouse.

8.  You keep secrets and cover up.

9.  You give gifts.

10. You spend more time alone.

Comments

[karin]

What does the Apostle Paul then mean when he says we as brothers and sisters in Christ are to love one another? It is said that they will know we are Christians by our love. The New Testament is full of references that we are to love each other. The love of Christ that we are to have for each other as a body of believers, male and female, is not the kind present in emotional and physical infidelity, but that of a deep, intimate, beautiful respectful, friendship!!! We love other people, male and/or female, when we accept them as they are, not by withdrawing from them when things aren’t the way we would like. When we love our brothers and sisters in Christ, we invite them into our fellowship, our social circle and really get to know one another. We feel safe to share personal thoughts, feelings, struggles, fears, laughter, joy, and vulnerabilities. We touch them at the point of their need, look them in the eye when talking, pray for them and with them, enrich their life with our uniqueness, and let them impact and influence us and bless our life with their beautiful gifts! Perhaps it is because we do not have healthy, normal opposite gender friendships, that divorce is so prevalent. To me, it reveals without a doubt what thoughts, temptations and desires lurk in the heart and mind of the person who is not free to love others. The emotional intimacy in a sexualized relationship, marriage, must never be confused with the emotional and spiritual attachment and investment made into a non-sexualized relationship, friendship. To do so causes untold damage to the spirit and the emotions of the people involved. After all, we can and want to marry only one, and love that one the most, but we can and should still have friendships with the opposite sex and love them as extended family.

To me it is extremely frightening and very harmful in building relationships with others, if every fun, loving, caring, supportive, encouraging interaction is seen or interpreted as emotional infidelity! Men and women must heal the great rift between them and dare to trust, love, appreciate and respect each other. They must not be always fearing or even convince themselves that the other has an emotional or physical affair on their mind! We as Christians above all, need to learn to be to each other sister/brother or mother/father in Christ, without ever being afraid of demonstrating a loving and caring emotional and spiritual intimacy and affection. As children of the same heavenly Father, I feel it is imperative that we show the world how normal and healthy opposite gender friendships should look and that they can and must exist beautifully and solely to the glory of God. That would provide immense healing and restoration to many a hurting and damaged male or female who comes from a dysfunctional family background or marriage, and needs to learn to build healthy relationships. Even though I am a survivor of incest and emotional abuse, I do believe that not every male is on the prowl and digs in too deep emotionally. Moreover, those who do would actually benefit and be able to learn more about fidelity from a healthy opposite sex relationship with someone who actually cares about them and their spouse. With a blood relative, sister or brother, father or mother, we know without a doubt that there is no romantic interest or notion in that person. We ARE able to have a very intimate relationship without causing envy and jealousy in the marriage. Why would a true, caring, committed friendship of the opposite sex then be any different and cause such distrust and be such a threat to a secure marriage? How can our beloved spouse be the only one with whom we have emotional intimacy? That creates such self-centered emotionally isolated people.

I vividly recall a younger male friend coming to me with deep concern, anxiety and sudden onset of guilt about a financial decision he had made. Things definitely looked like they were going to go very bad for him. He looked glum and I asked him, “What’s up?” He confessed his situation to me and asked me to pray for him. The first thing I asked him was, “Does your wife know about this? Have you shared your dilemma with her?” “No,” he said, “I’m afraid of her disapproval. She thinks I’m a loser. Her family thinks I’m a loser. If this turns out bad, they will know it for sure. ” At that point I felt that his perception was totally wrong due to the stress he was feeling, and he was letting negative thoughts rule his heart. I told him that he must make the right decision and share this with his wife. Together they will come up with a strategy for getting out of this predicament. There were several other occasions like that over the years. Each time I reminded him to talk to his wife. Each time he thanked me for pointing him in that direction! It was exactly what he needed to hear. I felt that I was his valued friend, whom he trusted to steer him in the right direction, when he needed it occasionally. He, in turn, when I was frustrated, troubled and anxious about some health issues with my hubby or when I had flashbacks of horrible memories and mentioned these, he listened without any judgmental attitude, and was there for me. He gave encouragement, understanding, lots of humor and strength into my life. We had that kind of mutual support, love and caring, and even unreservedly gave each other helpful advice. When things at the place we worked together were in a crisis situation and he lost his job, I would have gladly given up mine to save his. He called almost daily to receive support, as well as to give me encouragement to hang in there. We had been warmly welcomed into each other’s life and family. We each learned a different, more correct perspective and how to cope much better. What a benefit to all concerned!

We as Christians, male and female, must learn to encourage and support each other to better love and understand our mate! Someone else can often provide a fresh and valuable viewpoint that a couple going through a difficulty cannot even begin to see. Opposite gender friendships would only be a possible threat when the marriage itself is not healthy, the partners terribly insecure and controlling and/or going through a great deal of stress in their own lives. It is wrong to deny each other loving, caring relationships with half the world’s population. We have become such an individualistic, self-centered society, that we are fearful of letting anyone see us honestly for who we really are and give them the opportunity to love us anyway, male or female. What a tragedy! What a loss!

For a marriage to be healthy there must be the freedom to have wholesome, joyful, guilt-free, encouraging, faith building interactions and friendships with members of the opposite sex on both sides. All will benefit by the openness, the honesty, the intimacy and the integrity of these relationships. If there is no trust that encourages those kinds of relationships, then the marriage is already sick, and then ANYTHING, WHATEVER IT MIGHT BE, THAT CAUSES THE COUPLE TO AVOID SPENDING TIME WITH EACH OTHER will only damage it more. The couple itself must heed the warning signs in their own marriage, and they must carry the responsibility of the breakdown, and never project blame on others outside their marriage.

My apologies for the length of the comment, didn't have time to edit!