Reviewing the Challenges

I continue to be encouraged by the conversations growing out of the conversation on redeeming sexuality at LOV on March 20.  I've had several women and men thank me in private for having the courage to initiate the discussion.  Our primary intention was not to explicitly talk about cross-gender friendship.  That would be another time.  However, during the discussion period I easily identified over 70% of the frank comments and questions were about how can men and women relate to each other as friends?  Even close friends. 

Although I've touched on these issues before, I want to highlight some of the problems with cross-gender friendships noted in Roger Baumgarte's chapter, "Cross-Gender Friendship: The Troublesome Relationship" in the scholarly book, Inappropriate Relationships.

Lack of  a cultural script for cross-gender friendships

The predominant script of romance suggests cgfs will take on romantic tendencies.

Lack of meta-relational talk in cgfs

There are no cultural norms for cgfs and therefore the friendship is constantly subject to uncertainty.  Blurred distinctions between romance and heterosexual friendship results in an uncharted path--which creates more uncertainty for close cgfs.

Lack of agreement about the nature of friendship

Men and women have differing expectations about the nature of friendship itself.  Now this reason is not exclusively a cgf phenomenon.   

Lack of clear motives about friendship versus romance

Studies suggest at some cgfs have at least one harboring romantic hopes and hangs around for the trajectory to move forward.

Lack of clear motives about sexuality

The challenge where at least one or both have a sexual interest in the other.

Lack of Equality

Most western definitions of friendship are clearly centered upon equality.  Yet in men and women relationships, there has been this pervasive hierarchical dynamic operating. 

Comments

[Dianne]

I started going to a new church 2 years ago. I have been surprised by the lack of the traditional fear-based walls between men and women. I have had coffee several times with the pastor (we have no building so coffeehouses are the offices!) and been kissed on the cheek and hugged by men. It has actually been refreshing and freeing. I can't say I've developed any deep friendships with men there but enjoy great conversation with many. I love it; I think I've been greatly enriched by this intentional openness.

[Dan]

Hi Dianne,

Thanks for stopping by and offering your perspective. It is refreshing! Cheers for your pastor. I think kisses on the cheek are a wonderful sign of affection between men and women.

[Dianne]

You know, after thinking about this some more, I wonder if it doesn't go much deeper into understanding who (and whose) we are and being individually secure. If you took the chains off male-female relationships, so to speak, in many churches today, there might be all kinds of chaos, and I think it would be resulting in people not being right within themselves first. Possibly because of being so dependent and/or bound to legalistic dictations on their lives. In those environments, (been there) you really don't know who you are. It's all surface. Churches and faith communities which help you embrace your true identity in Christ seem to have less issue with the male/female friend thing. In Christ we should be free to enjoy any relationship he brings into our lives.

[Dan]

Diane, I think you are spot on. Thanks for coming back!