Friendship Between the Sexes and Culture-Creating Leadership

First, the bad news.  For those of you who read my blog and have supported me to see my book published, Chip MacGregor has officially ended his efforts in shopping my manuscript around.  He says the economy has really forced publishers to not take any chances whatsoever.  So, I'm not only a first time author, but someone espousing a controversial issue.  He did tell me how much he LIKED (his caps) my book and thought if it weren't for the economy, he would have found a publisher.  

This didn't come as a complete surprise.  I am actually at peace with this in God's timing.  I'm obviously disappointed.  But I am also at peace.  I'm an author of a quality book/manuscript.  And, if people are really cutting back on their book purchases, then hey, let's see what happens when the economy gets going again.  But this is a special purpose book--and so, I would publish it if I were offered a contract with a good publisher. 

So for the time being, faith dance is the place in cyberworld where serious conversation can take place on friendship between the sexes in the Christian community and the world.  I appreciate your prayers and support as I enter into unchartered territory for myself personally.  I am sure some of you are now acquainted with Andy Crouch's book, Culture Making.  He draws out the power of creating a new culture with first 3 people, then 12, and then 120 and beyond.  In one sense, this blog has been a unique place for resources for  friendship between the sexes.  In another sense, it has been my attempt to connect with a much broader audience outside my immediate community.  There is a particular connectedness with those who see the redemptive beauty, goodness, and telos of friendship between the sexes.  There is definitely a bonding that has developed for those sympathetic to a different kind of culture for the sexes than just than the 1950's Billy Graham rules. 

The culture of Billy Graham's rules has reigned supreme as ethics for evangelical men and women.  But, the truth of the matter is that we have experienced massive social changes since the 1950's and many Christians born after 1970 have a growing dissatisfaction with these black and white rules for men and women:

"Thou shalt not go to lunch alone with the opposite sex.

Thou shalt not have the opposite sex pick you up or drive you places when it is just the two of you.

Thou shalt not kiss any attender of the opposite sex or show affection that could be questioned.

Thou shalt not visit the opposite sex alone at home. "

At some level, my blog and my book has questioned every one of these rules.   Its one thing however to question or subvert these embedded rules as John Doe from the pew.  It is another animal altogether to question or subvert these rules from an officially recognized leadership position within the church (as pastor or elder).  When I first began breaking these rules a few years ago as John Doe pew dweller, I ran into this logic.  Brennan, you have some limited freedom as a pew dweller to break these rules.  However, an officially recognized church leader cannot subvert or break these rules.  He/she carries greater responsibility to the whole community.  That leader has a responsibility to the weaker brother.  Therefore a leader sensitive to keep the peace to the entire community, would not break these rules for witness, integrity, peace, etc. 

I also had someone carry the logic further.  According to his way of thinking, since a leader must keep these rules, and a leader is someone who John Doe pew dweller is supposed to follow in life and conduct, John Doe actually had no freedom to listen to the Spirit and deeply discern how he ought to live. 

I think of course, that there needs to be order.  We are not seeking to be rebels because we want to be disruptive in the community.  But we lose something of the Spirit's presence and movement when live by culturally bound rules rather than listening to the Spirit for discernment.   We lose a decisive eschatological edge of the realm of the Spirit in the new age.  While we need to seek to honor culture, cultures are not static nor are they tightly sealed containers.  They change.  They are in transitition.  Sometimes slowly.  Sometimes faster than other eras.  To say we need new way of order in recognizing the growing and flourishing complexity between sexes is not to throw caution into the wind.   The new order though, doesn't quench or stifle discerning love among the sexes.  The new order recognizes a beauty and goodness between sexes that calls for greater discernment than the rules from the 1950's. 

Five things have emerged since I started seeing this blog as a central medium for advocating friendships between men and women in Christian community.  First, I wrote a book.  Second, there has been a developing culture in community-including here.  Third, I have become an elder.  Fourth, I am prayerfully considering and weighing seeking license and to be ordained.  Fifth, Jennifer, my very dear friend is now attending my church.  I am experiencing about every complicated possibility imaginable right now, I think.  I'm no longer John Doe pew dweller.  I have every reason to believe we as a community can walk through this without imposing the 1950's Billy Graham rules. 

I may not end up as someone who has an official position as pastor.  I am seeking the greatest good.  We'll see where the Lord leads. 

 

Comments

[Christa M. Miller]

"However, an officially recognized church leader cannot subvert or break these rules. He/she carries greater responsibility to the whole community. That leader has a responsibility to the weaker brother. Therefore a leader sensitive to keep the peace to the entire community, would not break these rules for witness, integrity, peace, etc."

Um. So you are supposed to ASSume that in general, there are "weaker" people in the community? Or you are not supposed to witness your experiences to the weaker... which means, of course, you are supposed to judge who is weaker?? Whatever happened to "With God all things are possible"?

The thing I love about your writing is that you don't offer any way to make excuses for having affairs. Your own experiences are so richly layered with and backed up by Bible verse, history, and also theological writing. It would be very, very hard to take what you say out of context IMO.

And gosh, whatever happened to spiritual guidance and counsel? Not like you as a leader would be having these friendships, letting your flock watch only... you'd be asking the questions that need to be asked, saying the things that need to be said.

Again, it boils down to fear. Which is really too bad. I am praying God works through you to change minds and hearts.

[Maria Kirby]

I don't know how Jennifer or Sheila feels about it, but I look forward to hearing how you process this next step of being a more visible leader in cross-gender friendships. If God really is leading us into being a community with cgfs (and I believe he is) then he is going to appoint persons to pastor us in those relationships. I can't think of anyone more qualified than you.

[Dan]

Christa,

Thanks for your encouraging words!

Maria Kirby, thank you also for your kind encouragement and excitement. Sheila and Jennifer are both looking forward to seeing God bless.

[linda]

dan, i'm sorry to hear your book won't be published at this time. i am so looking forward to reading it. it sounds as if you are still hopeful and holding up well though. it's a wild ride, huh? :)

[anon]

Sorry to hear your book won't be coming out, I was looking forward to reading it. I have been really interested to read your blog as I have a very good cgf but have found trying to deal with the relationship difficult at times, largely due to no role models (we're both married to other people).