Saddleback's Ten Commandments: Avoid Any Hint Pt. 2

In a previous post we had mentioned Ed Stetzer appealing to church planters and leaders to follow the wise counsel of Saddleback's Ten Commandments to avoid any hint of sexual immorality.

Consider another possible angle from Eugene Peterson:

"I've not lived cautiously.  I have friendships with women.  I touch them.  I've been more careful in school than I was in the parish, where everyone knows me.  It's different now because someone can come to my office and we can have a deep talk and the next day I won't know his or her name.  That didn't happen in a church setting.  So I'm more careful now.  But I'm not obsessive.  These are my friends.  Touch is a human thing, not just a sexual thing.  It is dehumanizing to deny touch.  Is sex a contagious disease?  Sex is a danger, but money is a danger too.  Do you refuse to take a salary because money is a danger?"

He's quoted in a new book, Mixed Ministry Working Together as Brothers and Sisters in an Oversexed Society.

Perhaps if I would have said, "I've not lived cautiously.  I have friendships with women.  I touch them" the warning signals would go off and I would be written off as someone who is naive and foolish.  But when Eugene Peterson says it, it is bit more startling and unsettling than these once-and-for-all commandments.  But since Peterson said it, let me wholeheartedly say, I've not lived cautiously.  I have friendships with women.  I touch them, too.  I even kiss them.  Nonromantic kisses, of course. 

Go back 50 or 60 years or so, and in the deep south of America, most of Saddleback's policies would have been the same "wise" counsel for pastors and church leaders on cross-race friends (not merely cross-sex friends) in churches and in homes.  It was completely unwise and in many Bible-belt communities,  immoral for a caucasion and an African American to have social contact (and therefore "affection," "lunch," or ride alone in a car) as friends or social acquaintances.  Many God-fearing church leaders  modeled social boundaries and preached with moral authority on the wisdom and purity of such segregated boundaries. 

Cross-race friendships are now considered by many to be practicing forms of social justice and human flourishing.  Go figure.  Did Christian morality change or did  interpretations and meaning of relational wisdom change?  Even though racism still looks at cross-race social contact and friendship through one meaning, there are church leaders in the deep south who are beginning to see more positive and constructive meanings for cross-race social contact and friendship. 

Is it possible for cross-sex friendships to flourish in our church communities with more constructive meanings than the appearance of sexual immorality?  You see if we are training church leaders with a socially constructed meaning of men and women with taken-for-granted conventional assumptions, I would argue that we may not be pursuing social justice at a fundamental relational level in our communities. 

William Rawlins in his new book, The Compass of Friendship writes, "What capacities do cross-sex and cross-race friends have for expanding the compass of friendship?  For one, they enact and provide models of radical inclusiveness and reaching across (sub)cultural divides.  Oppressive structural conditions should not rule out such interpersonal striving.  Acknowledging enabling and constraining factors, every single person and every friendship can make difference in contributing to positive social action and humane changes...What and whose good is this particular participatory framework, this friendship, serving?  The challenge for friends concerned with social justice is to work together with ever more inclusive groupings to confront the higher order exclusions that divide and degrade people...Cultivating friendships, moral visions, and justice are related activities."

Comments

[Molly]

THis is a GREAT post.

We, too, subscribed to the whole, "Don't counsel the opposite gender," and for goodness sake, don't meet with them unless you have another person with you, etc... My husband, who was a youth pastor for 8 years, would get together with the guys regularly but the girls were sort of on their own...

In the name of protecting pastors from sexual sin, we "protected" everyone from becoming friends.

[Bill]

Hi Dan,

I gather this cross gender friendship thing is a real passion of yours. I have been divorced for over six years now and although I have wanted to remarry it has been difficult, in part, because I don't think I ever really learned how to be friends with women...so...I do empathize with much of what you have to say here.

[Dan]

Molly, coming from you a Christian feminist :-), thank you! Yeah, we need to forge new scripts for cross-sex friendships in churches.

Bill,

Yes, it has become my passion--I'm writing a book on the phenomenon. :-) I understand the sense of disconnect with the other (not opposite) sex. Thank you for your empathy. You are a caring, sensitive man and I have no doubt you could enjoy friendships with women.

[preacherman]

Dan,
Your blog Rocks!
I think this 10 commandment list is crazy especially since 1-4 have to do with unmarried when those who are unmarried are most prone to sexual temptation in these situations. Crazy. Makes no sense to me at all. You?

[Maria Kirby]

While I think it is a good idea not to purposefully do things that seem suggestive, I think it is more important to consider the relationship than the reputation. Jesus retorted to the Pharasis when they were critical of his being with sinners, that they wouldn't mourn with John and they wouldn't make merry with him. There are some people who are so caught up in the rules that they miss the spirit. Having all those rules is like doubting that God is in control, doubting that he can save you from temptation, doubting that He can managing your ministry, doubting whether God cares for your reputation, doubting whether He can work all things out for good. I find that people who make up lots of rules usually have a heart problem. Instead of dealing directly with the heart problem, they make up external fences to manage the actions of sins already committed on the inside.

[Dan]

Preacherman--yeah, you get it with the singles. You know, of course, 150 years ago, pre "dating" Christians would have had a cow with Christian singles meeting alone in someone's house. It's totally weird and senseless (I know some Christian singles who believe this) for a Christian single to meet his/her date in their house/apt alone for um, well we know, while having boundaries with their cross-gender friends who are not allowed to come into their dwellings. Say what???

Dating--Christians dating have much more vulnerabilities to sex than than friends do. Why do unmarried Christians get the pass on 1-4? If premarital sex is not an option for unmarried, then why are unmarried staff--especially those who are dating--given grace to meet alone in a home and friends aren't? If you buy into the argument that cross-sex intimacy leads to sex, then 1-4 should apply to unmarried staff, right?

[Mike Morrell]

Excellent post, Dan. Let's hope in 2-3 years we can open up a major conversation about this within the Christian faith.

[Christian singles]

Excellent post! I believe it is especially important to follow the proper guidelines with "friendships" within the church. For instance, I am a single Christian woman and I met another Christian man on a Christian dating site. We began to accompany each other to church events, and were sure not to engage in anything other than friendship until we decide we would wed. Because the situation was handled properly, there was never any uncomfortable feelings at either of our churches. However, I do see how inappropriate friendships do effect the church as I do know quite a few people who were using church functions as a way to meet others for dating instead of for praising the Lord. As long as you are careful and abiding by the word, a friendly relationship can be established.