Cross-Sex Friendship Quote of the Week

"In the Christian setting, this means that a cross-gender friendship can only be realized in the context of an inner asceticism that refuses to yield to passion out of the yearning  for something greater than sexual satisfaction.  For the friendship to succeed, it is not necessary to deny that sexual tension may exist...These are relationships that forge the transformation of eros into a glorious and rich philia."

Paul D. O'Callaghan The Feast of Friendship

Comments

[Beth]

Wow…I had to read this very slowly and chew on it all day!

On first read, I soooooo agree. But really, I think it stops shy of a greater truth. There is such concern with giving in to genitally-realized sexual sin, that we will not name our expression as passionate. We seem afraid to call the desire, longing and affection for a friend as passionate, or sexual. But, to enter a place of intimacy is to yield to passion.

Our connection with the opposite sex other is wholly sexual. Any time a man and a woman interact, it is a sexual encounter. These encounters allow the feminine to enjoy the masculine and the masculine to enjoy the feminine. We have to stop being so afraid of this concept – and the ‘S’ word. As long as the Christian world is solely concerned with people keeping their pants up, the focus on transformation to a “glorious and rich philia” will be a struggle.

I believe that to fully realize and embrace this reality does not make us more susceptible to wrong behavior…but less. The dangers are all out in the open. When we freely realize and admit that tension exists, it keeps us walking in the spirit. It keeps us ever praying and pressing toward the mark of our high call. It keeps us humbled to the fact that we are in need of his grace, his protection and his power. All of this frees us to have deep longings of sexual need fulfilled in a God-honoring and ‘other’-honoring manner.

[Dan]

Beth,

I love it when my quote of the week draws forth such a response! I want to comment but I'm interested to see if others may want to jump in. I'll come back here soon.

[Candace]

Well, this just proves to me that one can indeed find useful discussion and information on just about anything via the Internet.

I am a relatively new Christian (just over one year, at the age of 50). I was actually led to the Lord by a married male Christian friend whom I had known for only a couple months and whom I met in a completely secular context.

That friendship/mentorship has continued and deepened, and it has been such a blessing. It has also been a challenge (for me) to be balanced about it, as a lot of exhilarating new feelings and experiences are all tangled up in the dynamic of the friendship itself.

Tonight I did a searh hoping to gain additional insight into how folks manage the complexities of cross-gender friendships, and discovered this blog, with the eerily apropos quote of the week and Beth's wonderful, nuanced response to it. What an awesome take on it. It really resonated with me.

I'll do more exploring of the blog, and will follow this particular discussion as well.

Thanks!

[Dan]

Hey Beth,

First of all, I'm praying for your BP. The shalom of the Lord be with you! Second, I so resonate with your comments. I've received 'criticism" even on this blog from naming my the emotional range in cross-sex friendships as "passionate" or "passion."

I do believe we can and do enter into "passion" (i.e. longings and desires) that are uniquely "gendered" and eschatological (the now and not yet of the kingdom). These are not lustful feelings but they are an engagement with the other--they are "sexual." When we can name them those feelings and identify them in our friendships we are much able to walk in the Spirit, freedom, and risk. Theses are not passions to run away from--unless of course they are truly entangled with lust and an unsanctified imagination.

Candace!! Welcome to faith dance! It's always an interesting statistic to me--faith dance gets about 125-150 hits a week from people searching for cross-sex friendship issues either from Google or Wikipedia. Some of them spend hours on my blog. We have some regular readers here who found us the way you did.

Here, have a seat in the faith dance living room. You're invited to hang around and participate in the conversation. I'd love to hear more about your story when you get the opportunity.

[Candace]

Dan, thanks so much for the welcome and the background info. When it comes to pulling up a chair in the living room, I rarely need to be asked twice . And I cherish the comments regarding passion vs. lust. You and Beth have totally nailed it for me! I was confusing the two, and therefore rode a perpetual self-examinatory pendulum, swinging between wondering if my strong feelings for my friend were lustful in nature (and therefore wrong), and a deep knowing that I truly respect him, and love him and his wife as a couple, and have nothing to be ashamed of in the way I think about him and our friendship.

I have passion for my friend, but I do not have lust for him. What a relief to understand this. Or rather, to feel supported in it, as I had already figured it out. I just was not able to articulate it as clearly as I am now able to, and I also needed to hear it from outside my own head. Know what I mean?

You guys rock :-)

[Beth]

Candace,

It is so great to hear from someone else that is not afraid to be honest about her heart, especially a single woman. I find my relationships tricky because to admit affection etc, sometimes makes others skiddish - you know, the single girl looking for a man :) But we need men in our lives and it is a true blessing when a brother will risk with us.

I encourage you in your relationship with your friend.You are in a great place, learning a lot about how to love well in an area that is little discussed. It is hard work sometimes, navigating these difficult emotinonal waters. But it is worth it.

Blessings.

[Candace]

Yes! Beth, I find the same thing.

Not that my cross-gender friend gets skittish. He's amazing in how he keeps his marriage primary -- indeed, supremely protected and cherished -- yet still has so much for me.

But boy, just try to talk meaningfully about the intricacies, joys and challenges of this type of friendship, and watch how quickly the looks of concern develop. One of the comments I received when I touched (very lightly) on my efforts to figure all this out was: "Friendships have seasons. Perhaps the time for this one has passed." Sigh.

There is also an ever-present mantra in my Christians In Recovery group: "Men call men, and women call women." No cross-gender sponsorships allowed.

That's what was really working away at me, hearing that on a weekly basis, yet knowing I'd still be among the lost if it wasn't for my friendship with Jon.

I'm not saying that the precautions are wrong in all cases, particularly in the recovery context where folks are often pretty vulnerable.

But there IS a predominant paranoia about this, and not just in the Christian setting but among secular friends as well. I can't help but wonder if it doesn't exacerbate the very issue everyone's trying to avoid.

Which brings us right back to the quote of the week, and the great discussion thus far :-)

Anyway, I ramble. Thanks, Beth, for your encouragement. The emotional waters are a tad tricky sometimes ... but I'm becoming one heck of a sailor! And it is, indeed, sooooo worth it.

Blessings to you as well, in abundance.

[Candace]

Let me clarify a potential muddiness from my earlier comment ...

I should have written, in the fourth sentence:

"... just try to talk meaningfully TO OTHERS about the intricacies, joys and challenges of this type of friendship ..."

While my friend doesn't always "get" my need to think so think so deeply about all of this, he's entirely receptive to hearing about it and pleased for/with me that I am learning and growing.

[Jennifer]

Candace,

Yeah...the "audience challenge" can be rough. But, you're in good company around here. I know that my husband and I have left a church after the pastor insisted I was an adultress for having a male friend. Dan and Sheila have left a church over this too...and I know others here have faced much as well. Glad you've found this place for some support!

[Candace]

Hi, Jennifer -

Wow, that's, um ... not very Jesus-like behavior on the part of your pastor! I've only ever had one church, and so far I feel really loved and supported there, overall. They are awesome folks in general, and my friend and his wife came to my baptism not long ago and were very well received. So I guess I should be feeling pretty blessed, eh?

But nonetheless, I AM glad I have this place now too! Doing lotsa poking around and finding it quite edifying and enjoyable. Y'all are an articulate bunch, that's for sure :-)

[Jennifer]

Candace,

I am so glad you have a good church! That is wonderful. The church I left had/has plenty of other problems, and I have a good church family now :-)