Dan J. Brennan

Friendship: External Rules or Love?

I just had to share these thoughts from an umarried female friend (who is a therapist) with her permission regarding the contrast between external rules of self-protection and love. This is the deep contrast we all have to wrestle with as we become friends with one another--but especially the opposite sex. 

Growing in deep cross-sex friendship is not opening oneself to anything goes. But the evangelical world presents us with all these external rules on language, proximity, and intimacy which keeps us protected, distant, immature, and staying in the same rut of disconnection when love summons us to life, risk, and beauty. 

My Wedding Blessing to Jeff and Susanne

Jeff and Susanne,

May you know the endless and ever-present deep beauty in God’s Story and your covenantal bond in his Story from this day forward.

 

May you know the deep beauty of the endless and ever-present Father in his call to you as husband and wife to the glory of oneness in Christ.

 

May you know the deep beauty of the endless and ever-present Christ in his friendship with you leading you to the fullness and delight of everlasting friendship.

 

May you know the deep beauty of the endless and ever-present Holy Spirit who dwells within you;  who empowers you to the fullness and joy of spiritual beauty in your love for each other, your families, your friendships, and your communities.

 

May you behold the beauty of the Lord in your distinctive callings as one.

 

May the glorious and generous beauty of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit rest upon you now and forever more, Amen

Sacred Friendship in a Post-Purity Sexual Ethic

It seems that there are a growing a number of us who see the future for sacred friendships between men and women as downright positive for Christians who desire a post-purity sexual ethic.

 As a distinctive expression of Christian practice, sacred friendship as an ordinary everyday social practice invites men and women into the richness of embodied love between men and women - beyond a romance obsessed evangelical purity culture. 

I nearly jumped out of my seat when I read Abigal Rine quoting Anna Broadway from a recent Atlantic article, "We've done a very bad job of connecting single sexuality to married sexuality." 

You cannot begin to free men and women from the sticky entanglement of the purity culture without also identifying how evangelicals narrowly define all embodied sexuality and engagement between men and women as potential romantic partners or passionate romantic lovers.

Evangelical Utopia and Unmarried Women

Marlena Graves’ recent post on Desperate for Their MRS Degrees highlighted the desperation of young evangelical women in college to find a husband before they graduate. She pointed out how women will go to great lengths to find romantic "salvation." She wonders how this obsession impacts women and their callings.

As a white evangelical male, I write this with great fear and trepidation.  I don’t know what it's like to walk in the shoes of an unmarried woman in the evangelical sub-culture. But I’ve made it a point to listen to the stories of women. I also know something of the crisis in the evangelical church and unmarried women.

Clark Barshinger on Singles and Intimacy

Dr. Clark Barshinger's talk to singles at a singles retreat must have been pretty radical to the evangelical singles who heard it back in 1976. When I came across his talk in 2005, it was an "Aha!" moment before I discovered the richness of deep platonic friendships in the Catholic tradition. For many evangelicals this would still be radical advice for singles. Blessed are those (both for married people toward singles and singles) who reflect on his words:

"The single person is considered to be the one who has 'missed the boat personally and especially socially...He or she is then thought to be strange, weak, and too dependent or too independent...We [both marrieds & singles] need the courage to learn intimacy, courage of commitment, determination to be there for your friends, and even how to have ceremonies of friendships...The point we are making here is that if you are waiting for marriage to develop this form of companionship and closeness, you are lving an impoverished life....Our search for therefore, whether single or married, is for the same unity around mature Christian needs; namely, warmth, support, companionship, guidance, the opportunity to minister in significant ways to others...The point being made is that many of the most significant aspects of a mature sexual relationship can be experienced in non-genital relationships."  

Personal Commitment in Deep Friendships: Some Rambling Thoughts

In some circles, commitment and friendship is a contradiction in terms. There are particular beliefs out in the popular culture that friendship is a chosen relationship--a personal relationship of one's own choosing--and therefore "ought" in friendship is problematic.

To talk about obligation or commitment in a freely chosen friendship sounds like an oxymoron. Authentic friendship cannot be coerced or manipulated. Friendship requires respecting the freedom of the individual. We perhaps know of friends who, even though they were well-meaning in their love for us became people who became demanding and all absorbing in their relating to us. Authentic friendship love cannot survive such a need to control. 

Friendship cannot be coerced. Beauty cannot be coerced.

Friendship beckons all of us to taste love and beauty in the presence of a particular person who is becoming our friend.

The Notes: The Spiritual Beauty of Bold Boundaries

Here are my notes for my opening talk. 

Why do I use the term, sacred? 

Sacred  cannot be limited to one faith tradition. Sacred is where the Divine, the mystical, the spiritual intersects with embodied life. .

To speak of sacred in friendship is to proclaim that friendship intersects with spiritual and eternal realities.

I am deeply touched, honored and blessed that in this room right now there are people representing sweeping range of faith communities—ranging from the conservative traditions to the more progressive ones.

 I define myself as an evangelical but I had to go outside the evangelical tradition to discover the call of beauty to men and women to enter into sacred friendship.

1) Pouring myself into understanding second wave feminists,

2) researching psychotherapy—the therapeutic world and second wave feminists were strong but ambivalent allies in the 20^th century,

3) Devouring all I could to the history of friendship thought and friendship stories including friendship within the Catholic tradition.

4) reading about friendship with the LGBT community.

In each of those one can encounter the sacred—God’s light.

Moody Midday Connection and Loving Your Gay Neighbor: What Happened?

My friends Dale Fincher & Jonalyn Fincher were a powerful witness to what it means love our gay neighbors on a recent Moody Midday Connection broadcast (May 8th) .

They were so compassionate, sensitive, and yet boldly transparent.  They were very articulate. The host of the show welcomed anyone from the LGBT community to call in. My friend, Doreen Mannion called in (she is a lesbian). There was such kindness expressed on the show toward Doreen. She posted on her FB wall minutes after the live show: "This is the show I called into today. It was a great hour!" 

I deeply wondered what kind of backlash Midday Connection would receive from Moody Radio's audience with this kind of compassionate response to our neighbors within the LGBT community. Moody Radio, of course, is conservative to the core in its sexual ethics. If you click on the above link, you will not find any link off to the right side about listening to the podcast of that day. Survey other programs that week or the following week. You will have access to downloading their podcasts. As you look at the Midday connection page on past programs, you'll see you will be able to listen to numerous past programs--but not the one on Homosexuality. 

Is loving one's gay neighbor too much for Moody Radio? 

 

Opening Talk: Spiritual Beauty of Bold Boundaries

I opened the Sacred Friendship Gathering with a talk on "The Spiritual Beauty of Bold Boundaries." After the talk my close friend, Susanne Osborne and I shared some highlights from our friendship. The first minutes include me welcoming everyone and explaining why I prefer to use the term, "sacred."  

 

Spiritual Beauty of Bold Boundaries

Friendship, Spiritual Beauty, and the Great Horizon

Sacred Friendship Gathering presenter Rich Chaffins' simple but brilliant analogy about the sky made me think of Timothy Keller's vision of friendship and the "great horizon" (The Meaning of Marriage). Although Keller is a complementarian, he's another example of an evangelical who sees what I would call spiritual beauty of friendship.

This is the beauty of "something more" in friendship. Its not only the beauty of "something more" in platonic friendship but also the beauty of "something more" in marital friendship. The great challenge for evangelicals in the 21st century is to rediscover in Keller's terms the "great horizon' in in friendship--spiritual beauty. Too many evangelicals jumped on the bandwagon in the 20th century and made sexual fulfillment in romance and marriage as an idol.  

Hunting for spiritual beauty in friendship will help us de-center sex and romance.

Friendships for the World to See: Bold Boundaries

Here are some thoughts by Doug Webster on last week's Sacred Friendship Gathering:

"There is a beauty in friendship, especially deep friendship. This beauty is a deeper beauty than what typically comes to our minds. There is a certain beauty which comes by way of makeup and clothing. But this is a shallower beauty related (mostly) to outward sexual appeal.² Yet our culture is highly invested in it: "Sex is the mysticism of materialism and the only possible religion in a materialistic society."³ But the beauty of friendship is the deeper, more fulfilling beauty.

This relational beauty is an image of God's beauty. I hold that we are created to be relational at our deepest levels, and that this is how we are created in God's image. God is love at his very core because of how he exists in the Trinity. God's nature is relationship. Likewise, God is also the source of beauty."

For the rest of Doug's thoughts go here.

"Life and Love are not Two Dimensional": The "Something More" in Friendship

Sacred Friendships Gathering presenter, Rich Chaffins gave such a simple but powerful analogy when he discovered the deep beauty of the "something more" in friendship. 

Life and love are not two dimensional. In just a short illustration of that, he said life and love are not like what he thought the blue sky was when he looked up as a four year old. He just thought the sky was the limit as a four year old. As he grew older, he discovered the sky is just the beginning. You can go on and on and on.

It was such a powerful illustration of the "something more" in friendship. In a materialist cosmos, sex is the highest expression of human connection. But in the Christian cosmos of the Community of Intimacy known as the Father, the Son, and the Spirit, there is "something more" alongside the "something more" in marriage. The Trinity as Paul Wadell says, "reveals that the very life of God is a life of intimate relationship...The Trinity reveals God as a shared life" (Becoming Friends). 

This is the something more in friendship between men and women.

"The very purpose of humanity is caught up in the quest for more than." Philip Rolnick

Friends are caught up in the quest for something more. This gives both men and women who are not in romantic attachments robust hope to give themselves in the something more of friendship. So many churches present the something more as two dimensional--as something more only belongs to romance and sex.

It also gives those who are married who desire friendship with the opposite sex an ethic of sacred beauty which honors the sacred in marriage and friendship.

Friendship as it participates in beauty is sacred. It is transcendent. It is not like looking at the sky through the eyes of a four year old meaning it can only go so high.

"Friendship, the gift sustained as relationship, is possible because persons are capable of ever greater participation in the true, good, and beautiful" (Philip Rolnick, Person, Grace, and God). 

Bold Boundaries: "What it means to be Church."

From someone who attended Bold Boundaries: 

 

"What we both appreciated even more than the content, which was terrific, was the spirit of the conversation: authentic, vulnerable, no-shit. This is what it really means to be church."

Emily Maynard also tweeted today: The thing that keeps coming up about #BoldBoundaries is that I didn't leave with a 5 point plan. I left with inspiration, wonder, excitement. I didn't learn new skills & someone else's ideas at I was inspired to be me & practice at whole-hearted relationships." 

Why Come to Bold Boundaries: Sexualization in the Churches

 David E Fitch & Geoff Holsclaw, in their book, Prodigal Christianity,

"In our society, there is a ubiquitous void of meaningful friendships, of relational intimacy, on any level. Much of this is caused by the oversexualization of all relationships (between men and women, between men, and between women) such that we are alienated from intimacy in any form. This has not only destroyed trust between the sexes but has created the loss of deep, caring, and intimate friendships within the sexes (men and women). The church’s failure to speak to this loss of friendship has been deafening. Instead we have capitulated to our sexualized culture. Indeed we have often institutionalized these failures and have separated the sexes and called it “living above reproach.” 

I can't think of a more urgent reason than this. White male pastors have sexualized relationships in our faith communities (the overwhelming majority of pastors in evangelical churches are white male pastors). 

It's time to have an important conversation about bold boundaries in friendships rather than perpetuate ongoing fear and sexualization in our churches. To stop with the peacemaking that simply nods. Let's stop with a superficial peacekeeping among pastors. Let's start making friendships between and women intentional. 

In five days, at Bold Boundaries, men and women, leaders and pastors are gathering together to share how a vision of friendship between men and women desexualizes the current, deep sexualization within evangelical communities and leaders. It's going to take some courage to have a daring conversation about men and women moving forward in the 21st century. 

Pastors like Kathy Silveira Escobar and Karl Wheeler, will be sharing their story. Emily Maynard and Jennifer Ould as single women will be courageously sharing their unique perspectives as singles living in a sexualized institution known as evangelical church. Elizabeth Chapin, professor at George Fox, will be talking about young friends without benefits. Jonalyn Grace Fincher will bravely talk about the beauty of a modesty of heart instead of the modesty police culture. Hugo Schwyzer on the myth of male weakness. Alise McCoy Wright and Rich Chaffins will be giving their story as worship leaders.

The only conference this year devoted to men and women learning as friends to break through sexualized paradigms in faith communities. Still some seats left. 

http://sacredfriendshipgathering.com/

My Brother: Friendship in the Trenches with the Suffering

As my regular blog readers know, this place is where I write as an advocate for male-female friendships.  This post is going to be on something different. It's going to be about something deeply personal. Something I've never addressed in this blog.

I'm going to introduce you to my brother, Scott. He is 51 years old. 

It's been quite challenging to stay in close relationship with Scott. You see, he's been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. He takes medication to keep his moods sort of somewhat stable.

On top of this, Scott struggles with some sort of intellectual disability. From my own subjective assessment, he has the intellectual capacity between the range of a ten to twelve year old. Perhaps that is a bit low of a guess, but his intelllectual capacity is limited. 

Bold Boundaries Schedule: "Walked Many Miles in These Kinds of Friendships"

 

"The speakers at Bold Boundaries come to us with more than ideas about cross-gender friendships; they have walked many miles in these kinds of friendships, have ministered together within these kinds of friendships, and they will speak openly and authentically about their journeys, the challenges and the glories." Sheila Brennan

 

"The conference is not about providing abstract principles. Instead, it is real people making intentional choices to shift the status quo and offer positive ways for men and women to deepen their friendships with one another. Join me at Bold Boundaries. I promise it will be a refreshing change providing you with new perspectives and also new friendships with both men and women." Vicki Scheib

Here is this awesome lineup. It's just around the corner! Register here and be a part of something that is groundbreaking! 

Why Vicki Scheib is Coming to Bold Boundaries

Vicki Scheib attended last year’s Sacred Friendship Gathering while finishing her doctoral work at George Fox Seminary in Portland Oregon. The sincere conversations that happened at the conference helped refine her thesis and enhanced her own understanding of friendships between men and women. Plus, she thought the people were just cool.

Currently, Vicki is the new director of the Master’s in Christian Leadership program at Evangelical Seminary in Myerstown, PA. She is surprised by the opportunity to train leaders and encourage “bold boundaries” between men and women as they learn to work together and lead together. She is hopeful for the future as leaders learn to lead well and love well.